Trusting the Process

Over the past 3 semesters in college I've been struggling with keeping up with my work because my mindset is focused on other things.

- Making money.

- Getting more involved in my community.

- Tapping more into my creative space.

- Yearning for more experiences.

My pride got in the way of admitting this because for one, I was so used to being the student who was good at school, expected to be good at school and most of all, I thought I could handle everything.

What I learned about myself in these past 2 years of (2018-2019) was that my mindset needed more space to grow and expand. My whole life I would always wonder and try to figure out what this "greater purpose" of mine is that continues to nag away at me.

This year I would have to say would be the year where I've done the most amount of reflecting and self discovery and I've made baby steps towards making it to where I want to go. Yes I said baby steps, but I didn't stand still.

To be honest my pride is still getting in my way of wanting to "hurry up and finish" and keep up with everybody else; to be on society's timing and schedule for the order of life. Its scary that I'm deciding to branch out and create my own, and I'm nervous. Why? Because...

1. "It feels different." - But I recognize that's what you call change.

2. "I'm not used to this." - But I recognize that's just the comfort zone talking.

3. "What if I fail?" - But I recognize that's just my fear. AND THAT is what's pausing my growth.

I'm convinced that my higher sense of self has been constantly at war with my present self and that is has been pushing and pushing trying to get through so that I could start to get in alignment with my authentic self and start living out the true lifestyle that I want to live. And I feel it... its so close to winning, and for the first time I'm starting to see it clearly.

Here's what I want:

- I want to finish up my Bachelor's Degree. But at my new pace.

- I want to continue to work. To save enough money to travel and for the things I want and desire.

- Gain more experience. Whether that be through professional settings, community service, seeing new sights, and doing things that I've never done before.

- Put my creative heart and mind to action. Content Creating for creative expression and for giving value to other people.

My mistakes were:

- Taking on more than I could handle

- Doubting myself by convincing myself that my desires could only be fantasies.

- Settling more society's expectations and for what is familiar.

What I needed was TRUST.

To Trust the Process and most importantly, more of myself.

And now I finally know what this means.

Raw journal entry

Written December 28, 2019, 12:40pm